Moving From Independence to Dependence:
Handing the Keys, Codes and Control of Life to Others

“Listen to Me, O house of Jacob, all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been borne by me from before your birth, carried from the womb; even to your old age I am he, and to your gray hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and save.”  

Isaiah 46:3-4

 

Carried All the Way

God assures His people, through Isaiah, that He has carried them every step of their journey. There has not been a single day in which they stood on their own. From infancy to seniority, the arms of God have held them up. The prophet declares a truth common to all of us. We are reliant upon God throughout the seasons of life. We are carried by Him from the womb to the grave; every one of us. Autonomy, self-reliance, sufficiency – it’s all an illusion. We can never stand alone. We are carried. We may concede to the principle of needing God, but the transitions of life confront us, compelling us to realize that needing God is more than a principle. It is our requirement.

These articles have tried to elevate some of the adjustments we must make to the transitions of life. Aging is not simple addition. Maturity is not simply more of what has been. If a 70-year-old is simply what they were as a 30-year-old but with less energy and cracking knees, has maturity happened? Life is about growing for God’s glory. That growth is reflected by learning how to move…

• from an identity of doing to an identity of being
• from the need to know to the acceptance of mystery
• from independence to dependence                 
• from wrestling with sins to wrestling with God

I don’t suggest that these are the only lessons of life, but I have found them to be central. Success at these lessons cannot be assumed. They are God’s invitations, not certainties. They require our response – a response from young and old. Whether you are on the near or far side of 50, these are realities which we all must engage. Having discussed the first two transitions listed, let’s move on to the third.

 

The Trajectory of Life

Life is drawn on a bell curve that fits all of us. The length of the curve varies, but the shape is unchangeable. It has three distinct phases.

The beginning of the curve is labeled “Dependence”

We are born needing others. Humans are helpless at their beginnings. We cannot eat by ourselves; we must be fed. We cannot walk; we must be carried. We will not survive alone; we must be protected and nurtured. The infant has no say in their early life, all they have are needs which must be attended to by others. We have precarious starts.

The middle of the curve is labeled “Independence”

We soon begin to gather the skills of life. We learn to talk and express our desires. We walk and point our feet where we choose. We learn to feed ourselves and eventually make our own lunch. In kindergarten we paint what we want and eventually we choose our college majors. The trajectory of living moves us from being powerless to self-sufficient.

This is an exhilarating season. We stride, succeed, receiving affirmations, if not applause. We feel empowered, making our decisions and caring for our own life and that of our family. It begins to feel like we have reached the intent God has for us – to be strong, self-governing, resourceful, making contributions to those around us. We begin to think that this is what maturity is all about. But the curve is not done.

The end of the curve is labeled “Dependence”

If we live long enough (it won’t take as long as you think), we return to our beginnings. Our minds and bodies show wear and tear of decades. We max out our diminishing capacity. We can’t do what we used to do. Perhaps we’ve retired and others now do what we used to. The children we’ve cared for begin to care for us. They mow the lawn and sit in on our doctor’s appointments. They may have voice in our financial affairs. Perhaps it becomes necessary to move in with them. We shift from being caregivers to being cared for. It may come to us being fed and carried – a status we left long behind us.

 

The Hardest Is Left for Last

It is hard to learn independence; it is harder to learn dependence once more. It is a struggle to let go of the car keys. It’s difficult to embrace necessary decisions made on your behalf. Learning how to depend on others feels like a U-turn. It is an affront to our pride. It leaves us feeling powerless – the very opposite of what we’ve been reaching for throughout our lives. But this is the pattern of God. It is His design that dependence returns in the latter season of our life. It is as if God removes our props and now, we must cling to Him like Jacob. We discover that He is actually holding us, and, in that embrace, we are blessed. Faith is the ultimate lesson of life.

We have a lifetime to prepare ourselves for dependence. The principles we learn and absorb in our independence become a framework to sustain us through our latter stage. What principles?

• Trusting God and others is a better marker of maturity than strength and self sufficiency
• Humility is the foundation of character, not pride
• Community is essential – to need and co-operate with others in love
• Faith is the means in every season of life – better to learn early, you will need it later
• God does not take, He gives – Dependence holds graces from God

 

Like Riding a Bicycle

Rather than offering a bullet list of preparation points, here’s a mental picture that has helped me. When I was learning to ride a bicycle, my father held the back of the bicycle seat and ran beside me to steady my balance. My displaced weight was countered by his steady hand. Eventually, his touch on the bike seemed less noticeable until at last, he could let go and I rode off into independence.

I used to imagine my spiritual life with the same process. God would hold me up as I learned to pray, read the Bible and exercise the disciplines of faith. I thought I could pedal into maturity without His grip on me. Surely once I have learned the essentials, God could let go. Perhaps He would follow closely and watch my progress, but I was capable of riding on my own. I was wrong. My many falls have proved that His grip is essential. I don’t have the strength, wisdom or capacity for spiritual independence. In fact, there is no such thing. Rather than resenting His hold on my “freedom and self-determination,” I have come to trust, relax and enjoy the ride.

In the final article, we will consider the most difficult transition: from wrestling with sins to wrestling with God.